This last year hasn’t been a walk in the park as they say. To be honest, it’s been one of the hardest years of my life. Change takes its toll in many different ways. For me, I’ve aged. I thought I would embrace this change, I thought it was what I wanted but I’ve learned from this experience it’s nothing at all what I wanted. Change takes guts, it takes patience, it takes self-assurance and it takes a toll. Not all change is bad, it’s not, in order for us as humans to advance in our lives or as a society we need to move forward, it’s healthy, but this does not mean it won’t be hard or bring with it growing pains. Growing pains are exactly what my change came with.
This last year my family moved from London, England to Frankfurt, Germany. Frankfurt was never our first choice but after years of trying to escape to Berlin and it not happening, we decided to try something different. This meant Frankfurt. I was dead set against it for a long time. I kick and screamed about it, but after awhile I tired out and gave in or in a more positive light, I decided to give it a chance.
At first Frankfurt was exciting. It was new and it gave me a chance to somewhat reinvent myself. I was meeting people, experiencing the city and I was hopeful. That was until I started learning the God damn language, then a whole set of problems came in. I thought learning the language would be exciting, a great learning experience, what is has not been is fun. It’s challenging, frustrating, and just angers me. But with this said I have made loads of progress, just in my mind it’s not enough, I’m not moving fast enough.
In October we went to Bali with some friends. I required a much-needed holiday to clear my head. But something happened while away on this trip. I came back to Frankfurt with resistance. It’s like something in my head exploded and all hope of falling in love with this new city had vanished. I tried picking up the pieces of my exploded head, but this seemed to push me further into a deep depression. What had happened to me on this trip? Why was I resisting this change?
Change means hard work, it means self-discipline, it means buckling down and getting right to it, many things I have forgotten how to do. I have a tendency to have resistance to the things I do not know or know I need to do. It’s foreign territory, it’s jumping into the unknown, it’s falling and hoping there is a safety net. This last year has shown me my faults in a big way. It has been a wake-up call. It has starred me in the face and told me to get my shit together. Cause I’m the only one that can do this. It’s me, myself and I on this journey to becoming the person I am meant to be.
The question I suppose I should be asking myself is what am I supposed to be, who am I supposed to be, what is it that I want? What do you long for? What are your dreams? Where did your dreams go? Kelly, make up your mind, what is it that you want? It’s easy to ask these questions, the hard part is answering them. It wasn’t so hard to answer these questions once upon a time. I did have a clear vision, but now, I’m not so sure. A fog crept in and blocked my view. At some point the fog must clear and when the fog clears the view will be quite spectacular. I just need that view.
Kelly xx